Long time, no write

It's been a VERY long time since I wrote, and I apologize for the absence, but there is a reason and in my mind, its a good one. After a couple of weeks at the hospital/rehab center, my mother was released to return HOME! Yes HOME! I really wasn't sure if she was ever going to come home, but she is there. Of course, a few days before she was to be released, she got up out of her wheelchair to throw something away. When she was returning to her wheelchair, she miss-stepped and fell. She has a severe laceration on her shin. They couldn't stitch it closed because her skin is so thin (I saw her in the ER - it was bad). She has developed an infection so she sees a wound doctor everyday for iv antibiotics. I saw my mom last week-end and she still looks very tired, but she is home. Ok, so why haven't I written since this is good news? I am still a bit leary. Afraid the bubble might burst. You know what I mean. What if just by me stating she is home, she injures herself again and ends back in the hospital? Crazy, I know, but that is how my mind works with my mom.


Ok, on to some other news. I am headed to St Louis next week for a PartyLite conference. It should be fun just because that is my hometown. I am going to have dinner with my brother and his girlfriend Thursday evening and I will get to see his new house. Very excited. I get to show my PartyLite friends my old stompin' grounds. I am hoping to see my best friend Andrea while I am there. I saw her last October while I was there for my class reunion. Before that, it had been 5 years since I saw her. Just love that girl!


School starts in 6 weeks. I have to laugh because everytime we go to Target or Wal-Mart, the kids are wanting to get school supplies. Mason is excited to be starting Kindergarten and Courtney is excited that her brother will be going to her school. I don't know what I am going to do with just the baby everyday. No fighting, no bickering. Wow- just imagine.


My friend Colleen has asked that I post some new pictures. Well, my dear friend Colleen, here are some pics just for you! Hope you enjoy them.

Courtney in her First Communion dress made out of my wedding dress

Courtney with Grandma and Grandpa Meyer

Courtney, Mommy, and Grandma and Grandpa Meyer

Courtney, Uncle Ralph, Aunt Carol, and Grandma and Grandpa

Mason and Makenna with their cousin Jeff at the wedding

Well, I have lots to do before I leave for my trip. I best get started. Until next time....

Good news/Bad news

Good news: my mother is doing better - not great, but definitely an improvement
Bad news: my father-in-law either had another stroke or a seizure - they don't know which.
Good news: Courtney got straight A's on her report card.
Bad news: having a very difficult time potty-training Makenna
Good news: summer is here and we are spending a LOT time in the pool
Bad news: the kids hair is turning a tint of green due to all the swimming
Good news: my friend's son who I am watching this summer is behaving very well
Bad news: entire day with 4 children (really should I say anymore)
Good news: Scott won his fishing tournament today
Bad news: he came home and fell asleep immediately as he's been up since 2am.
Good news: I had a very healthy dinner - huge salad
Bad news: I've had fast food at least twice this week
Good news: finally writing a new posting
Bad news: so exhausted that I can't write anymore

I am sure I have more good/bad news to share. Maybe one day soon, it will be just a good news day. Until next time....

How do you know...

when its time to let go? That was the first sentence of the sermon today at church. I was really looking forward to going to church today. Was in need of some enlightenment. Serious enlightenment. Let's back up a minute.

My mom is not doing well. Let me rephrase that. My mom is getting worse. That is more accurate since she hasn't been "well" in a very long time. My mom has been in a nursing home/rehab facility for a while now. To be honest, I don't even recall when she went back in. She was in the hospital for pneumonia in December. Got well enough to go home. Fell and fractured her pelvic. Got better enough to go home. Fell and bruised her tailbone and hasn't been home since. She got sick while in the nursing home/rehab facility (it makes me feel better to add the rehab facility part because I hate to think of my mom in a nursing home). We told the nurses to keep an eye on her as her colds turn immediately into bronchitis and then into pneumonia. They didn't listen. She was admitted on Monday to the hospital with pneumonia. They said she would be in there for a couple of days and then sent to a hospital/rehab facility (better than the nursing home/rehab facility). Well, they did some testing. Here is what I know so far. Her kidneys aren't doing what they are suppose to do. The levels (not sure what levels) are high so they took her off some of her meds to help her kidneys work better. One of the meds they removed was her blood pressure meds. Needless to say, her blood pressure is up. Her skin is like paper and one of the techs who was taking blood, ripped off a patch of her skin that had to be taped back on. It hurt her so now she doesn't want any more needles (who could blame her). We found out today that she has an ulcer. The doctor mentioned possibly being sent to the hospital/rehab center tomorrow, but it doesn't appear that is going to happen. I spoke with the nurse and asked if my family should come down. She said "No, but.... I am not going to say death is immenient, but.... She is the final stages of COPD." Can I just say I hate the word BUT. I hated it as a child and I hate it today. I hate that my mom smoked for so many years. I hate that when she finally did quit, it was too late. I hate that my mother in law is watching us go through this and she continues to smoke. I hate that I have friends who smoke knowing the heartache I am going through. I understand it is difficult to quit. I understand its an addiction. But, when I hear the excuse "I don't want to gain weight" as to why they won't quit smoking. Let me tell you. I would much rather have my mother be 10-20 lbs heavier than to watch her labor in breathing. My mother told my sister that the reason she doesn't eat very much is because she only has the strength to either eat or breath and she is choosing to breath. The glimmer in my mother's eyes is gone. The fight is all but out of her. I hate the thought of losing her. I need her in my life. I need to hold her hand. I am not ready to let go. I am not sure if I will ever be. However, I am the one who advised the nurse of my mother's DNR orders. They didn't have the paperwork. They had her down as a full code. My mother doesn't want CPR or to be on tubes. As much as it pains me, I respect her wishes. What is left of my mother really isn't my mother. I think that is what hurts the most. God this just really sucks.

It seems like lately I have been surrounded by death. A friend of mine's mother recently passed away. A very close friend of my former classmate's baby son died from SIDS. Another friend of a friend's Autistic son drowned in a pool. I was sent a couple of blog links where a mother died the day after having her baby, another mother found out at 20 weeks that her daughter she was carrying wouldn't survive and then a few weeks after her daughter's death, her nephew died from SIDS. The most amazing part of all of these stories is the parents' strength. Not only their emotional and physical strength, but their spiritual strength is remarkable. I went to a catholic grade school and high school, I even took a couple of religion classes in college and I still don't know God as well as they do. I admire and envy their relationship with God. I would be so angry with Him for taking my child. I am sure I will be angry when He takes my mom. I am trying to get closer to Him, but I am having difficulty putting all my faith in His hands. Its difficult to surrender everything to Him. I really wish I had that ability.

This brings me back to church today. I was very excited about going to church. I thought maybe the priest would be discussing something I needed to hear today. The pastor of our church is awesome. He was in charge of the grade school when my husband attended so he has known my in-laws for years. He knows my parents as they always sit in the front row at church (we did the same when I was a child - I didn't like it). He married Scott and I. Baptized Mason and Makenna. He made a point to be the one to baptize Makenna. He helped my mother answer her questions about converting to catholic and guided her through the process. I am sure there is a church closer to our house now, but I still travel the extra distance just because of Father Gerry. I've never felt a connection with a priest like I do with him. Anyway, he announced today at church that he is leaving our parrish to go to a smaller one that doesn't have a school. He is getting older and has some heart issues. He asked for the transfer so he could not have as much stress. He stated he always thought he would leave our parrish in a coffin, but decided that the best thing for our church, the school, the new church, and himself was to take this other position. Let me tell you how much I love this man. I cried when he told us today. He was a connection to God for me. When he laid his hands on my children's heads to bless them, I knew he was bringing God to them. Now, he is leaving. It is like the straw that broke the camels back. How much more can I endure? I look at God for strength and He is knocking out my cornerstones one at a time. Can I just say again how this all just sucks????

Its getting late. Until next time....

Nite out w/ the girls and some weird dreams

Scott got done early with the softball tournament. That is if you call leaving home at 5:30am and returning 12 hours later, early. However, it was early enough for me to go out with a couple of friends, one of which is recently single. We had a great time. There was lots of laughing. They were laughing at me because I was chatting up with a lot of different people. Mostly guys for my newly single friend and for the possibility of free drinks. Neither happened, but fun anyway. One of the ladies we met had a beautiful dress that she got at Target. I will need to check that out. Anyway, drank way too much. Those Vodka Collins get me everytime. I got home and went to sleep on the couch. Why, you ask? Because Scott had to get up early this morning to go fishing, and I didn't want to accidently turn off the alarm clock. Yep, he is out again. Why oh why am I so permissive? He said he won't be out too late, but then again 12 hours at a softball tournament is considered early so who knows when he will be home. So back to my hangover. Yes, I haven't had one of those in a long time. I am normally very responsible with my drinking. I usually don't drink much because I have children who need me and my functioning brain. However last night, I drank more than usual because 1. I had a headache that I so desperately wanted to go away (have a worse one now, but gone last night) and 2. just needed to forget my home issues for a while. We went back to my friends house for some late night snacking. She had some White Castles hamburgers. If you ever had White Castles, you know that they only taste good after a nite of drinking. Perfect munchy! With my drinking excursion, came some of the strangest dreams I've had in a while. I can't even explain them as they were so weird, but they involved my friends, my friend's mother, a dried up Christmas tree, a denim jacket, and a strange man's debit card in my pocket. Very weird.

Well my children need breakfast and I need a soda to help ease my tummy. I will post some pictures from the wedding in Dallas and Courtney's first communion soon. Until next time...

And life continues...

Courtney must have sensed my frustration after my last posting because she got her homework done within 30 minutes and after only being told once to do it. Amazing! Last night, the kids and I did a 20 minute "before daddy gets home" cleaning around the house. We jammed out to some music and had fun doing chores. Once again, Amazing! Today the plan is to get the rest of the house including their rooms cleaned. Will we have another incident like the other day???? Who knows, but I am hopeful. Just waiting for the "other shoe to drop".

Scott is playing in a softball tournament today. Sigh! On the bright side, a friend asked me to go out tonight. But, in order for me to go, Scott would have to be home. So here's hoping the team gets done quick. Lose 2 games and be done. I know, I know, pathetic. But, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.

Other news: my mom is still at the nursing home. She was suppose to come home today, but she got bronchitis again (a normal occurence w/ emphazemia and COPD). I am not sure when she will be returning. Courtney and I had a tea party with her last week-end. My mom feels bad that she can't do very many things with Courtney so we thought we would bring the fun to her. It was a nice visit.

Not much else is new. Need to get working on this house. UGH! Until next time....

Excuse me, but I would like to exchange my life...

That is how I feel right now. That and exhausted. My throat is soar from yelling at my son to clean his room. My kids' rooms are a mess which is reflective of how I feel. The last 3 week-ends have been extremely busy. This past week-end we were at a wedding. Scott's parents came over to watch the kids while we enjoyed ourselves. Scott's mom once again helped the kids clean their rooms. So their rooms were beautiful on Saturday evening. It didn't take long for them to get right back to their messy state. I get so damn frustrated and aggravated. Why is it that my children who claim to love me respect Grandma more? Why is it when she asks them to put something away, they do it w/out question or hesitation? Why is it that when Scott gets the same reaction that I get, does he say "I don't know what to tell you" when I ask him how to get them to clean up? Why is it that they can clean up the toys they play with at school, at friend's house, basically anywhere but at home? I start out by stating lets get their rooms clean - nicely, in a sweet voice, with a please at the end. I then walk in on them making a bigger mess or watching tv in one of their bedrooms. It gets my blood pumping. I calmly turn off the tv and remind them that I asked them to do something. I get "its too much" from Mason and "how come I have to do everything around here" with a HUGE attitude from Courtney. To say it pisses me off is an understatement. I've had tremendous headaches the last few weeks and I must say it stems from this sense of stress in my household. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! Just once I wish my family could do one thing that was asked of them the first time. Add to it little to no support from my husband, just adds fuel to the fire. Courtney was saying something about a boy in her class doing better than she and we explained to her that there will always people who do things better than you and those who do things worse than you. Its just a fact of life. Courtney asked Scott what he did better than me. His response: dinner, laundry, housecleaning, sports. She asked what I did better - his response: I can't think of anything. Then chuckled when questioned why he couldn't think of anything. I told him that his comment not only made me look inferior in our children's eyes, but apparently I am inferior in his as well. The response I got - Sorry, I just can't think of anything. He then proceeded to not understand why I was upset! If I am so damn inferior that what the hell is he doing with me? I am sure there is a woman out there who would be a better match for him. I truly think that was the straw that broke me. Its bad enough that I have periods of low self-esteem (I've been dealing with that my whole life), but have someone who you love and so close to you affirm that feeling is just heartbreaking. I know I have good qualities, maybe even great, but that comment just shattered me, and I am not sure how to put the pieces together again. So I guess I will continue with my medioacracy (not sure if I am spelling that correctly, but you get the idea) life where my children don't listen and my husband feels superior. The worse part about all of this is that I know people have bigger issues on their plate. A dear friend who I was reunited with recently had been going through difficult times and I deeply felt for her. I wanted so badly to take her pain away. But, being the amazing person that she is, she fought her own battle and is still fighting, but she is making her way out. I know that my issues are small in comparison, but in this household of ours, it is pouring out the seams.

Need to pick up my daughter at the bus stop. Until next time...

I'm a leavin' on a jet plane.....

Tomorrow I am headed off to Dallas with my three lovely children and my 82 year-old father. Oh, such fun!!! I would say I need to drink but how would I be able to put those air thingys over my childrens' and father's faces if the cabin pressure fell?????

The trip should be fun. As many of you know, my nephew is getting married and my daughters are the flower girls. Mason is my date since my husband is unable to join us. I think he just says he can't because of work just to get out of things.

Like I said the trip should be fun, but these past few days leading up to this, well... not so much. Let see, our budget is getting tighter and tighter to the point we may have to live off Mac N Cheese for a week or two. I played the lotto so keep your fingers crossed! Yesterday, I had to run around like a maniac trying to locate a Fed Ex center that was open late enough so I could get a package to Massachussetts today. Then today when I am trying to get the clothes we are taking with us clean, the heating coil in my dryer went out. So I trucked a couple of loads of laundry and a basket full of wet clothes to my in-laws so we could have clean underwear in Texas. I am sure everyone on the plane will appreciate our efforts!

I have packed my bible for those moments that are too stressful. Its funny. I went to a catholic school all of my life and I have never read the bible. To be honest, I am not sure I was required to read it in any of my religion classes. Anyway, I was looking for something to calm me as I was waking up in the middle of the night with some serious panic attacks. One of my friends mentioned reading the bible and then I saw all those people on Big Brother reading it so I figured I'd give it a shot. Now, there are stories that I don't understand and way to many names to remember in Genesis (gees, those men lived to be in their 900s and continued to have kids. Talk about generation gaps!) However, I do find it relaxing and I don't have nearly as many panic attacks. My sister-in-law and oldest brother will probably be shocked and proud that I am reading the bible. Very devout catholics.

Well, I need to get a few more little things done and then I am off to bed. Until next time....