Good news: my mother is doing better - not great, but definitely an improvement
Bad news: my father-in-law either had another stroke or a seizure - they don't know which.
Good news: Courtney got straight A's on her report card.
Bad news: having a very difficult time potty-training Makenna
Good news: summer is here and we are spending a LOT time in the pool
Bad news: the kids hair is turning a tint of green due to all the swimming
Good news: my friend's son who I am watching this summer is behaving very well
Bad news: entire day with 4 children (really should I say anymore)
Good news: Scott won his fishing tournament today
Bad news: he came home and fell asleep immediately as he's been up since 2am.
Good news: I had a very healthy dinner - huge salad
Bad news: I've had fast food at least twice this week
Good news: finally writing a new posting
Bad news: so exhausted that I can't write anymore
I am sure I have more good/bad news to share. Maybe one day soon, it will be just a good news day. Until next time....
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
How do you know...
when its time to let go? That was the first sentence of the sermon today at church. I was really looking forward to going to church today. Was in need of some enlightenment. Serious enlightenment. Let's back up a minute.
My mom is not doing well. Let me rephrase that. My mom is getting worse. That is more accurate since she hasn't been "well" in a very long time. My mom has been in a nursing home/rehab facility for a while now. To be honest, I don't even recall when she went back in. She was in the hospital for pneumonia in December. Got well enough to go home. Fell and fractured her pelvic. Got better enough to go home. Fell and bruised her tailbone and hasn't been home since. She got sick while in the nursing home/rehab facility (it makes me feel better to add the rehab facility part because I hate to think of my mom in a nursing home). We told the nurses to keep an eye on her as her colds turn immediately into bronchitis and then into pneumonia. They didn't listen. She was admitted on Monday to the hospital with pneumonia. They said she would be in there for a couple of days and then sent to a hospital/rehab facility (better than the nursing home/rehab facility). Well, they did some testing. Here is what I know so far. Her kidneys aren't doing what they are suppose to do. The levels (not sure what levels) are high so they took her off some of her meds to help her kidneys work better. One of the meds they removed was her blood pressure meds. Needless to say, her blood pressure is up. Her skin is like paper and one of the techs who was taking blood, ripped off a patch of her skin that had to be taped back on. It hurt her so now she doesn't want any more needles (who could blame her). We found out today that she has an ulcer. The doctor mentioned possibly being sent to the hospital/rehab center tomorrow, but it doesn't appear that is going to happen. I spoke with the nurse and asked if my family should come down. She said "No, but.... I am not going to say death is immenient, but.... She is the final stages of COPD." Can I just say I hate the word BUT. I hated it as a child and I hate it today. I hate that my mom smoked for so many years. I hate that when she finally did quit, it was too late. I hate that my mother in law is watching us go through this and she continues to smoke. I hate that I have friends who smoke knowing the heartache I am going through. I understand it is difficult to quit. I understand its an addiction. But, when I hear the excuse "I don't want to gain weight" as to why they won't quit smoking. Let me tell you. I would much rather have my mother be 10-20 lbs heavier than to watch her labor in breathing. My mother told my sister that the reason she doesn't eat very much is because she only has the strength to either eat or breath and she is choosing to breath. The glimmer in my mother's eyes is gone. The fight is all but out of her. I hate the thought of losing her. I need her in my life. I need to hold her hand. I am not ready to let go. I am not sure if I will ever be. However, I am the one who advised the nurse of my mother's DNR orders. They didn't have the paperwork. They had her down as a full code. My mother doesn't want CPR or to be on tubes. As much as it pains me, I respect her wishes. What is left of my mother really isn't my mother. I think that is what hurts the most. God this just really sucks.
It seems like lately I have been surrounded by death. A friend of mine's mother recently passed away. A very close friend of my former classmate's baby son died from SIDS. Another friend of a friend's Autistic son drowned in a pool. I was sent a couple of blog links where a mother died the day after having her baby, another mother found out at 20 weeks that her daughter she was carrying wouldn't survive and then a few weeks after her daughter's death, her nephew died from SIDS. The most amazing part of all of these stories is the parents' strength. Not only their emotional and physical strength, but their spiritual strength is remarkable. I went to a catholic grade school and high school, I even took a couple of religion classes in college and I still don't know God as well as they do. I admire and envy their relationship with God. I would be so angry with Him for taking my child. I am sure I will be angry when He takes my mom. I am trying to get closer to Him, but I am having difficulty putting all my faith in His hands. Its difficult to surrender everything to Him. I really wish I had that ability.
This brings me back to church today. I was very excited about going to church. I thought maybe the priest would be discussing something I needed to hear today. The pastor of our church is awesome. He was in charge of the grade school when my husband attended so he has known my in-laws for years. He knows my parents as they always sit in the front row at church (we did the same when I was a child - I didn't like it). He married Scott and I. Baptized Mason and Makenna. He made a point to be the one to baptize Makenna. He helped my mother answer her questions about converting to catholic and guided her through the process. I am sure there is a church closer to our house now, but I still travel the extra distance just because of Father Gerry. I've never felt a connection with a priest like I do with him. Anyway, he announced today at church that he is leaving our parrish to go to a smaller one that doesn't have a school. He is getting older and has some heart issues. He asked for the transfer so he could not have as much stress. He stated he always thought he would leave our parrish in a coffin, but decided that the best thing for our church, the school, the new church, and himself was to take this other position. Let me tell you how much I love this man. I cried when he told us today. He was a connection to God for me. When he laid his hands on my children's heads to bless them, I knew he was bringing God to them. Now, he is leaving. It is like the straw that broke the camels back. How much more can I endure? I look at God for strength and He is knocking out my cornerstones one at a time. Can I just say again how this all just sucks????
Its getting late. Until next time....
My mom is not doing well. Let me rephrase that. My mom is getting worse. That is more accurate since she hasn't been "well" in a very long time. My mom has been in a nursing home/rehab facility for a while now. To be honest, I don't even recall when she went back in. She was in the hospital for pneumonia in December. Got well enough to go home. Fell and fractured her pelvic. Got better enough to go home. Fell and bruised her tailbone and hasn't been home since. She got sick while in the nursing home/rehab facility (it makes me feel better to add the rehab facility part because I hate to think of my mom in a nursing home). We told the nurses to keep an eye on her as her colds turn immediately into bronchitis and then into pneumonia. They didn't listen. She was admitted on Monday to the hospital with pneumonia. They said she would be in there for a couple of days and then sent to a hospital/rehab facility (better than the nursing home/rehab facility). Well, they did some testing. Here is what I know so far. Her kidneys aren't doing what they are suppose to do. The levels (not sure what levels) are high so they took her off some of her meds to help her kidneys work better. One of the meds they removed was her blood pressure meds. Needless to say, her blood pressure is up. Her skin is like paper and one of the techs who was taking blood, ripped off a patch of her skin that had to be taped back on. It hurt her so now she doesn't want any more needles (who could blame her). We found out today that she has an ulcer. The doctor mentioned possibly being sent to the hospital/rehab center tomorrow, but it doesn't appear that is going to happen. I spoke with the nurse and asked if my family should come down. She said "No, but.... I am not going to say death is immenient, but.... She is the final stages of COPD." Can I just say I hate the word BUT. I hated it as a child and I hate it today. I hate that my mom smoked for so many years. I hate that when she finally did quit, it was too late. I hate that my mother in law is watching us go through this and she continues to smoke. I hate that I have friends who smoke knowing the heartache I am going through. I understand it is difficult to quit. I understand its an addiction. But, when I hear the excuse "I don't want to gain weight" as to why they won't quit smoking. Let me tell you. I would much rather have my mother be 10-20 lbs heavier than to watch her labor in breathing. My mother told my sister that the reason she doesn't eat very much is because she only has the strength to either eat or breath and she is choosing to breath. The glimmer in my mother's eyes is gone. The fight is all but out of her. I hate the thought of losing her. I need her in my life. I need to hold her hand. I am not ready to let go. I am not sure if I will ever be. However, I am the one who advised the nurse of my mother's DNR orders. They didn't have the paperwork. They had her down as a full code. My mother doesn't want CPR or to be on tubes. As much as it pains me, I respect her wishes. What is left of my mother really isn't my mother. I think that is what hurts the most. God this just really sucks.
It seems like lately I have been surrounded by death. A friend of mine's mother recently passed away. A very close friend of my former classmate's baby son died from SIDS. Another friend of a friend's Autistic son drowned in a pool. I was sent a couple of blog links where a mother died the day after having her baby, another mother found out at 20 weeks that her daughter she was carrying wouldn't survive and then a few weeks after her daughter's death, her nephew died from SIDS. The most amazing part of all of these stories is the parents' strength. Not only their emotional and physical strength, but their spiritual strength is remarkable. I went to a catholic grade school and high school, I even took a couple of religion classes in college and I still don't know God as well as they do. I admire and envy their relationship with God. I would be so angry with Him for taking my child. I am sure I will be angry when He takes my mom. I am trying to get closer to Him, but I am having difficulty putting all my faith in His hands. Its difficult to surrender everything to Him. I really wish I had that ability.
This brings me back to church today. I was very excited about going to church. I thought maybe the priest would be discussing something I needed to hear today. The pastor of our church is awesome. He was in charge of the grade school when my husband attended so he has known my in-laws for years. He knows my parents as they always sit in the front row at church (we did the same when I was a child - I didn't like it). He married Scott and I. Baptized Mason and Makenna. He made a point to be the one to baptize Makenna. He helped my mother answer her questions about converting to catholic and guided her through the process. I am sure there is a church closer to our house now, but I still travel the extra distance just because of Father Gerry. I've never felt a connection with a priest like I do with him. Anyway, he announced today at church that he is leaving our parrish to go to a smaller one that doesn't have a school. He is getting older and has some heart issues. He asked for the transfer so he could not have as much stress. He stated he always thought he would leave our parrish in a coffin, but decided that the best thing for our church, the school, the new church, and himself was to take this other position. Let me tell you how much I love this man. I cried when he told us today. He was a connection to God for me. When he laid his hands on my children's heads to bless them, I knew he was bringing God to them. Now, he is leaving. It is like the straw that broke the camels back. How much more can I endure? I look at God for strength and He is knocking out my cornerstones one at a time. Can I just say again how this all just sucks????
Its getting late. Until next time....
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